Survivor: Inui's Backyard
by Cheeseburger of Doom
Summary: In a pathetic attempt to write more humor, the desparate fanfiction author sinks to new lows. Who will overcome all the dangers of Inui's backyard to win the million?
1. Ii data

A/N: Thanks to Posterior Praiser for telling me everything I never wanted to know about Survivor. I never watched it, and I never will, because it's not my thing -- but my sister suggested this fic, and I always deliver (sometimes)

Oh, and my sister wants me to thank her for giving me the idea, so...THANK YOU!!

I don't own Survivor, or any other reality TV shows. If I did, I'd be rich, and maybe I'd pay people to write my fanfiction for me.

All right! As I said, I never watched Survivor, so this isn't going to be entirely correct. Changing the rules to suit my needs was impossible to avoid. Mwahahaha.

Survivor: Inui's Backyard!

"Who will survive my backyard? Ii data."

DAY 1

The contestants filed into Inui's backyard. A lot of eyes widened at the sight of it. There were various disturbing-looking items scattered about in the grass that looked as though it hadn't been cut in about two hundred years. There was a loud and ominious sound; either a wolf howling, or Momoshiro's stomach.

"Welcome to my backyard," Inui said, glasses twinkling. He was clad in Hawaiian shorts, a flowered shirt, and a safari hat. "For now, their are two teams. To save us time, let's make it Seigaku versus Hyoutei. There are ten people on each team. Competing on Seigaku's team are the eight regulars, plus Horio and Ryuzaki-sensei. Playing with Hyoutei are their regulars, and, in addition, Haginouske Taki and Sakaki the ruffled."

"These are not ruffles."

Inui ignored the comment. "Each day there will be a challenge that each team must undertake. The losing team will be forced to place their votes for whatever unfortunate member must leave the backyard. In a few days, when most of you are gone, we'll merge the teams and it will be each man for himself."

"I'm scared," whimpered Momo.

"There there," Kawamura said, patting him on the back.

"You'll be on your own surviving out here. Any food has to be earned. All drinks, except Inui Juice, will have to be hard-won. Feathered beds _do not exist._ Anyone who wants to drop out now had better go."

"See you later," Taki said, turning to leave. He was held back by several pairs of hands, belonging to his team-mates.

Thunder boomed, lightning struck, and Inui grinned. "Let the games begin."

"Hey, in the first Olympics, however many years ago, it was all men, and they were all naked!" Horio commented.

"I fail to see what that has to do with anything," Inui said.

"Well...in my two years surviving experience..."

Various rotten fruit was thrown at Horio's head.

-----

"Your first challenge is to build a fire."

The ten members of team Hyoutei stood around the pile of sticks, trying to light them with their willpower. That, or they were just staring at them because they didn't know what to do with them.

"Rubbing sticks together works in movies," Ohtori said, trying to be helpful.

"We're not in the movies," Shishido said, glumly. "I don't think it's going to work for us."

"It's worth a try, isn't it?"

Atobe turned to his minion. "Kabaji. Rub the sticks together."

"Usu."

Kabaji made a valiant attempt to produce fire by rubbing the sticks together, but failed.

More staring at the sticks ensued.

"Damn it all! I can't take this anymore!" Hiyoshi produced a lighter, and soon the twigs were ablaze. It was a rather good solution, except it was specifically against the rules that no one had bothered to state before hand, and Hyoutei was disqualified, and therefore the losers.

-----

Inui was relaxing in a lawn chair, sipping a very suspicious looking drink.

"Well, Hyoutei. You were the losing team. I want you each to write the name of the person you feel deserves to be voted off the most."

"Inui-san, you didn't give us any pens," Ohtori said. "Or paper, for that matter."

"Ah, yes. I forgot to mention that you have to write your vote in blood on your foreheads."

"Cut!" yelled the director. "This is a family program, Inui!"

"Ah, yes. Sorry." Inui distributed pens and paper. The Hyoutei team was much relieved.

------

After the voting, each member of Hyoutei was asked to give their reasons as to why they voted out who they did.

Shishido said "I am voting for Hiyoshi, because he got us disqualified."

Ohtori said "I don't want to vote for anyone. But I guess I'll vote for Hiyoshi, since he doesn't seem happy to be with us, anyway."

Mukahi said "I'm voting for Hiyoshi because he's a snotty brat."

Oshitari said "Ah, I'm voting for Hiyoshi, because I know that's who Gakuto is voting for."

Atobe said "I'm voting for Hiyoshi, because I hate how he challenges my authority all the time. It's damned annoying."

Kabaji said "Usu." (His vote was for Hiyoshi)

Sakaki said "I'm voting for Hiyoshi, because Atobe told me to."

Taki said "I'm voting for myself because I want to go home now."

Hiyoshi said "I'm voting for Atobe, because I want to be the leader! Gekokujyou!"

------

"Hiyoshi-kun, how do you feel at being voted off Inui's backyard, desu?" asked Dan Taichi, the guy in charge of asking questions.

"Pissed off! I mean, the bastards didn't give me a chance!" Hiyoshi exclaimed. "I made one little mistake! One! And they just chucked me out! Well, I'll show them! I'll have my revenge one day! Gekokujyou!"

------

Inui held up his glass to the camera, as if he were making a toast. "Cheers," he said. "Tune in next time, when we find out the next unlucky person who could not survive in my backyard."

------


	2. The Stupidity Continues

DAY 2

Team Hyoutei was tired.

It was very early in the morning when they finally finished creating a bed that they had started the night before.

"I am not sleeping on that thing," Atobe said, arms crossed over his chest and nose in the air. He was indicating the make-shift hammock that his team had erected, using Kabaji's shirt as the base, and two pairs of underwear to hold it to the trees. One pair was normal-looking, and the other was satiny and red. No one wanted to ask who exactly had donated that particular underwear.

"We all have to sleep on it," Ohtori said. "It's all we have, and we'll need to share."

"..." Shishido looked at the hammock, then at the number of people they had, and decided he was going to sleep on the ground.

"I will not sleep on the grass, either!" Atobe exclaimed, when everyone else reached the same conclusion as Shishido.

"Then keep standing and don't sleep at all," Shishido grumbled, "Just shut up already."

"Why you --"

"Ah, arguing amongst team-mates already. Ii data," Inui said, appearing out of nowhere. Team Hyoutei screamed.

-----

"The challenge today is to eat a live cockroach. Pick one person on each team to do the deed," Inui said. His glasses glinted. Everyone gulped.

Ryuzaki-sensei was volunteered by her team to eat the cockroach. She put it up to her mouth, and it almost looked like she was going to eat it, and then she fainted.

Meanwhile, Kabaji was happily chomping down on his cockroach, while the rest of his team looked a little queasy.

-----

"Well, Seigaku. Who do you think should be voted off this time?" Inui asked.

Oishi said "I hate this voting thing! Agh! I guess Ryuzaki-sensei, because...because I have to vote!"

Eiji said "Nya. I vote Ryuzaki-sensei, nya."

Kawamura said "Ryuzaki-sensei, because...she seems miserable here."

Echizen said "Ryzuaki-sensei is still madda madda da ne."

Momoshiro said "I like Ryuzaki-sensei, really, but...she fainted! I mean...that's bad, right? I think."

Kaido said "Ssss. Horio. He's annoying."

Fuji said "Saa, I feel sorry for Ryuzaki-sensei, surrounded by all these males."

Tezuka said "Hn."

Horio said "Fuji is scary. I want him gone. In my two years survivor experience, guys like him just get in the way!"

Ryuzaki-sensei said "I'm voting for...me. I want out. Now."

-----

"Ryuzaki-sensei, how does it feel to be voted off by your tennis team, desu?"

"I'm so relieved to get out of this place! It scares me. It really scares me. All the weird random things lying around...No one can survive this place! No one!" Ryuzaki-sensei shuddered.

"...I see, desu."

-----

"Two down, several to go," was Inui's final word that episode. "Please tune in next time for some more ii data."


	3. Underwear Revealed

A/N: When I started this, I was bloody certain you were all going to have my heads for venturing too far into the realms of absolute stupidity. I'm so glad that none of you are bloodthirsty (at least not towards me) because I like my head where it is. Since you seem to be having fun, I decided not to have a ritual burning of this fic; rather, I will continue on with it, even though I really don't like it much. --

I went back and edited the first two chapters. I realized that I forgot to make the voted-off persons vote before they got voted off. (Does that even make sense?)

DAY 3

"Hey! Look what I found!" Eiji exclaimed excitedly. "Look, look, look!"

Team Seigaku crowed around. "Saa, does anyone know why Inui would be keeping a giant statue of Tezuka in his backyard?" Fuji asked, curiously.

Inui cleared his throat, and replaced the blanket that had been covering the statue previously.

"Don't touch that again," he said. The members of Team Seigaku would have thought he was blushing, if they did not know him better.

Eiji wondered what other interesting stuff he could find hidden out in Inui's vast backyard.

Oishi wondered what other interesting stuff he would have to save Eiji from in Inui's vast backyard. He'd already stopped Eiji from being stung by a scorpion, a tarantula, a very large bee, and Inui's mother (after Eiji had broken her favorite tea cup.)

-----

"Um...I just discovered who the red underwear belonged to last time," said Taki, feeling a little queasy.

"Don't tell me!" Shishido exclaimed.

"I have to share it with someone, though...I mean, when the coach bent over, I saw --"

"NO! DON'T SAY ANYMORE!" Shishido wailed, covering his ears. "AAAH!"

"More fighting amongst Team Hyoutei. Ii data. You're not going to get far like this, you know."

"Will you stop doing that, you stupid evil data man?!" Shishido yelled, having been scared out of his wits by having Inui pop out of the grass in front of him.

"No," Inui said. Then he began whistling cheerfully, and went off to scare the crap out of someone else.

-----

"Fuji-san, would you care to comment on your feelings about some of your team-mates, desu?"

"I would be happy to, Dan-kun. I like Tezuka best, of course, since he's so cute, but Echizen is fun, too. I hope they don't get voted off until later."

"What about everyone else?"

"What about them?"

"Um...desu."

-----

"I will _not_ go in there," Atobe Keigo said, turning up his nose. Even if it _was_ the challenge of the day, the devil would have teeth chattering from cold before Atobe ever used an outhouse.

"Neither will I," said Shishido. "I'd rather use the bush."

"I already did use the bush." Everyone turned to look at Jiroh. He shrugged. "Well, I did."

Mewnawhile, Horio had already used the outhouse on the Seigaku side, since he'd had a well-timed emergency situation.

"I feel much better!" he exclaimed, upon exiting the outhouse. "Almost like a new man! I mean, I was --"

Most of Team Seigaku covered their ears, and began singing very loudly to cover up Horio's next sentence. Tezuka did not want to show, though, so his ears did not get covered; and unfortunately for him, he heard every word. He turned an interesting shade of green, then grabbed the safari hat off of Inui's head and threw up in it.

"Ii data," Inui said.

"Stop saying that!" Shishido yelled, from a short distance away.

-----

"Well, Team Hyoutei. You failed the outhouse test. Now you must vote off one of your comrades."

"Jiroh keeps falling asleep in dangerous places, so I think he should go home," Atobe said.

"Usu," Kabaji said, quite predictably.

"I think Jiroh should leave, because he's my competition for Atobe," Sakaki said, thoughtfully.

"I think Jiroh-sempai would be much happier at home in bed," Ohtori said.

"Jiroh's really useless, anyway. If he goes, then I won't have to trip over him anymore," Shishido said.

"Hm...I think I'll vote for Jiroh this time," Oshitari said, feeling quite random.

"Kabaji smells funny," Mukahi said, also feeling quite random.

"I want to go home," Taki said, sniffling.

Jiroh yawned.

-----

"Akutagawa-kun! Wake up, desu!"

"uwah?"

"How do you feel after being voted off, desu?"

"Wha? I got kicked off? Damn." Jiroh went back to sleep.

"Well, there you have it folks, desu. Um...tune in next time, desu!"

-----


	4. Bed of Nails and Poisonous Mushrooms

DAY 4

Momo hurt all over. He realized why when he woke up a little bit more.

"Okay, who thought it would be funny to put me on a bed of nails?" he demanded, as blood spurted from his many wounds.

The rest of his team-mates whistled innocently. Momo glared at his arch-nemesis, Kaido.

"I bet it was you, wasn't it? Own up, Mamushi!"

"Sss. Why the hell would I bother, you idiot?"

Fighting ensued.

"Ah, I see you found my bed of nails," Inui said. "It tends to come in handy on occasion."

Momo and Kaido were too disturbed by the look in his glasses to continue their argument.

-----

"Sakaki-san! Would you care to comment on some of your fellow team-mates, desu?"

"I guess most of them are good kids. I don't even mind Shishido, even though his plot to get back on the team pissed me off. Kids will be kids, right? They work hard. Too hard, almost. Teenagers shouldn't be that devoted...I've started to think of them as mini-adults. Especially Atobe. When I think of him, I --"

"Thank you for your time, desu!" Dan Taichi exclaimed, and then he ran away.

-----

"Psst, hey, Fuji, I heard from Eiji-sempai who heard from somebody that Tezuka might be secretly plotting to get us all kicked off somehow," Momo whispered. "Do you think that might be true?"

Fuji's blue eyes revealed themselves. "Don't talk bad to me about Tezuka," he warned.

"Um...Never mind." Momo went off to find Echizen.

"Don't spread rumors about him, either."

Momo stopped in his tracks, and changed his direction. Never cross a Fuji.

-----

"Tezuka-san! Is there any truth to the rumors that you are planning to betray the rest of Seigaku, desu?"

"No."

"Do you know who started those rumors, desu?"

"No."

"Does it bother you that some people have started to think that way, desu?"

"No."

"Um...okay, desu. I guess that's all, desu. Is there anything else you'd like to say, desu?"

"No."

-----

"Well, my darlings, your challenge for today is to find edible vegetation. There is plenty of it out there...I know from personal experience."

The members of Seigaku thought of Inui Juice and shuddered.

"Ready, set...go."

Team Seigaku and Team Hyoutei were a little reluctant to actually attempt to eat any of the vegetation that was around.

"NYA!" shrieked Eiji, and he ran to frolic amongst the local vegetation, looking for something edible. He found something that looked promising, became very excited, and offered it to Oishi, who turned very green and began to throw up (all over Tezuka, unfortunately, who remained as stoic as ever.)

Meanwhile, Kabaji chomped down on some grass that Atobe had ordered him to pull out of the ground.

-----

"Team Seigaku...Who will it be this time?" Inui asked, grinning particularly evilly.

"Eiji-sempai. He's a little too enthusiastic."

"Ssss. Kikumaru-sempai. He's crying in the corner. It's annoying."

"Saa...I think Eiji might want to leave at this point."

"Kikumaru."

"Nya! I think that Momo should leave! I think he voted for me. How mean!"

"With my two years' surviving experience, I think that Kikumaru-sempai has to go!"

"Kikumaru-sempai. I don't want him to feed me anything poisonous."

"Anou...I really don't like this voting thing, but...I guess Eiji."

various puking noises

-----

"Kikumaru-kun! What do you think about getting kicked off of Inui's backyard, desu?"

"Nya! Hoi hoi! Unya! I didn't know that mushroom was poisonous!"

-----

"Next time on Survivor:Inui's backyard, we will find out which team can make a fort. Please, look forward to it," said the very charming (scary) host.


	5. Taki Sneezes, and Oishi cries

DAY 5

"Singing in the bathtub, la dee da dee da..."

Echhizen was rather surprised to hear singing coming from behind a well-placed bush, especially singing of this variety. Curiosity overcame his instincts to run away. He peeked around the bush, only to find Horio, with a plastic bucket full of water, washing his armpits.

"La la...eh? Echizen, is that you?"

Echizen's lower lip quivered, and his eyes filled with tears. He let out an earth-shattering shriek, and ran as fast as he could in the other direction. He would probably have nightmares for the rest of his life.

Horio just shrugged, and continued to wash.

-----

"So, Team Seigaku, and Team Hyoutei. Today, you must build a fort, using materials that you find in this yard," Inui said, cheerfully. "Good luck!"

"Right! I know we can all do this! I have faith in everyone!" Oishi exclaimed. "We have to gather wood, and leaves, and..."

Team Seigaku stared at their fukubuchou with vacant expressions.

"...what?"

"Oishi-sempai...what do you know about building?" Momo asked.

"It's just common sense!" Oishi said. "Don't worry, I have everything under control."

Team Seigaku turned to Tezuka, their buchou. Tezuka shrugged. "Do what Oishi says," he said.

Team Seigaku had no choice but to comply.

-----

Team Hyoutei was staring at the thing they had created with doubtful looks.

"Are you sure that thing will hold up?" Shishido asked. He prodded it with his foot.

"Maybe someone should test it out first," Ohtori suggested.

There were no volunteers. Crickets chirped. A series of tumbleweeds rolled by.

(And how the hell did Inui get tumbleweeds in his backyard? Shishido wanted to know)

"Kabaji. Get in there," Atobe commanded, finally.

"Usu."

Kabaji entered the small fort, and when a few moments passed uneventfully, the rest of Team Hyoutei relaxed. Satisfied that it was safe, they all gathered inside of it.

It was a close fit. Taki was quite claustrophobic, and began to sweat. Then he sneezed. The roof collapsed on their heads.

"Damn it! We've lost!" Shishido growled, picking pieces of dirt out of his hair.

"Um, I don't think so, Shishido-san. Look at that."

-----

Momo and Kaido were beating each other with tree branches, cursing and name-calling all the while.

"Please, stop fighting, both of you!" Oishi exclaimed. "Violence is not the answer!"

"He started it!" said the two in unison, pointing at each other.

Echizen handed Kawamura a tree branch. "Here, Kawamura-sempai. Maybe you can build the fort better."

"BURNING! LET'S BUILD THIS DAMN THING ALREADY! GREAT-O! AHAHAHAHA!" Kawamura danced around like a maniac for a few moments, before he connected with a tree, and was knocked unconscious.

"Oishi-sempai! A tree just fell on Tezuka!" Horio exclaimed.

"What? Oh no! Tezuka! Are you all right, Tezuka?" Oishi asked, as he knelt by his fallen comrade.

Tezuka looked up at him with a very stoic expression. "I'm never leaving you in charge again," he said.

Oishi began to cry.

-----

"Seeing as how Seigaku did not even manage to start a fort, Hyoutei is the winner this time. How will the next victim be, Team Seigaku?" Inui asked, of the losing team.

"Well...I still don't like this voting thing, really, but I'm going to vote for Oishi, since he seems to be feeling pretty miserable right now," Kawamura said, scratching his head.

"Oishi-sempai!" Horio exclaimed. "Today has been utter chaos! With my two years' surviving experience...well, anyway, I vote Oishi."

"Oishi-sempai. He tried to stop me from beating up that bastard Momoshiro."

"Oishi-sempai. He tried to stop me from beating up that baka mamushi Kaido."

"Oishi," said Tezuka, with a scary look in his eyes.

"Ah, I have to vote Oishi this time, since he was responsible for the incident with the tree falling on Tezuka," Fuji said, smiling as usual. There was a dangerous note in his voice, however.

"Me! Oh, why did I fail them? Why?" Sob, sob.

"Horio," said Echizen. "I don't feel like giving my reason, either." He shuddered.

-----

"Oishi-kun! How does it feel to be voted off the backyard, desu?" Dan Taichi asked.

"I...I hate myself right now. I deserve to get voted off. Because of my carelessness, Tezuka was almost killed by a tree! Thankfully it didn't do any harm whatsoever, but...oh, Tezuka! Oh, Seigaku! I've failed them all! I--"

"Thank you very much, Oishi-kun, desu! That's all for this episode, desu! Tune in next time, desu!"


	6. Oshitari sings camp songs

DAY 6

Inui was in a very cheerful mood. He was skipping about, whistling a merry tune. The contestants were trying not to piss themselves with fright.

They gathered around, waiting for Inui to issues the challenge. His evil grin was brighter than ever, and they all cowered.

"Today is actually my favorite challenge," Inui said, rubbing his hands together.

"Aw, crap!" Momo exclaimed. "We're all DOOMED!" He was silenced by his team-mates, lest he invoke Inui's rage.

"Today, you will pick one member from each team to spin this magic wheel. That person has to eat whatever item them wheel lands on."

A few people lost control, and actually did piss themselves with fright.

"There is NO WAY I am going to spin that wheel," Momo said, vehemently. Team Seigaku turned to him. He could have sworn that everyone's eyes were glowing red.

"Momo. You spoke up. That means you spin," Tezuka said. There was really no arguing with Tezuka, when he was looking that scary. Momo gulped, and approached the magic wheel. The items were covered, which was just as well. He didn't want to _know_ what the options were.

The wheel landed on the pink section, and Inui removed the cover. Momo stared in horror at what he had landed on.

"How lucky for you, Momo. The wheel has landed on my newest creation, Inui's Sparkling Mystery Juice!"

"No, I won't, you can't make me, I --"

"Rules are rules," Inui said, handing Momo a thermos.

After Momo had chugged its contents, Momo smiled very happily. Everyone held their breath.

Then he collapsed, and began twitching on the ground.

"Ah, what a pity. It's your turn, Hyoutei."

The members of Hyoutei regarded each other with solemn looks.

"Taki. You're the useless one. You spin the wheel," Atobe commanded.

"B-but..."

"No arguments," Atobe said, warningly. "Spin the damn wheel."

Taki, shaking like a leaf, approached the wheel. He could barely control his wobbling arm enough to actually spin it. It landed on the rainbow-coloured section.

Inui removed the paper, and revealed...chocolate milk.

Taki began sobbing with relief, and cradled the carton that Inui gave him very lovingly, then drank it down in one gulp.

"Team Hyoutei is the winner this time," Inui stated. Taki then fainted with relief.

------

Inui stood before Team Seigaku. "You have lost again, Seigaku. Who will it be, this time?"

"I'm voting for Momo, because he seems to be in a lot of pain r ight now," Kawamura said.

"Sss. I'm going to vote for the baka Momoshiro."

"Momoshiro," said Tezuka.

"I think Momo would probably like to leave at this point," Fuji said, cheerfully.

"I'm voting for Momo-sempai, because I'm sick of his whining," Echizen said.

"I have to vote for Momo-chan-sempai, because he just threw up on me a few minutes ago!" Horio said, looking quite miserable.

Momo could not make any comment, because he was too busy groaning in pain.

------

"Momoshiro-kun, how do you feel, now that you've been voted off, desu?"

"I..." Momoshiro dashed to throw up in a nearby bush.

"Um...er...desu."

------

Everyone gathered around a campfire.

"Does anyone actually know any camp songs?" Kawamura asked.

"I know a few," Oshitari replied. Everyone turned to gawk at him. He didn't seem the camping type.

"Why not share them, then?" Kawamura prompted.

"All right."

After hearing several of the songs that Oshitari had learned from Lord knows where, there were a lot of varying degrees of red faces. Horio's nose was bleeding. Mukahi knew Oshitari too well to be affected. Atobe looked rather annoyed, but otherwise unphased. Kabaji looked as usual, but on closer inspection, his face was a bit colorful. Shishido had covered Ohtori's ears in attempts to save his innocence. Even Tezuka was looking a little pink around the cheeks.

"Um...that wasn't exactly what I had in mind," Kawamura said. His face was the reddest of all. "Um...maybe someone knows something, um...a little cleaner?"

No one was in any position to actually _think_ at the moment. Their minds were too clouded with very dirty thoughts.

Oshitari looked very pleased with himself.

"...then I guess it's time to go to bed," Kawamura said, shrugging. "At least I tried."

"You're a good guy, Taka-san," Fuji said, patting Kawamura's shoulder. "It's not your fault."

-----

"Next time on Survivor: Inui's Backyard: the two teams hunt for Meat," Inui said. "Please observe."


	7. Fuji tells ghost stories

DAY 7

"Today will be the ultimate trial in the art of survival," Inui said, early on day seven. Actually, most of the contestants felt that it was far too early to be awake, and were quite grumpy. Some were even fantasizing about killing Inui. He would count as meat, right?

"Stop looking at me like that, Echizen. Shooting me is against the rules."

Well, there went that idea.

"Ready, set...go."

-----

Ohtori, the big game hunter, was currently in the middle of having moral issues.

"I...I can't shoot it," Ohtori said, face white. "It's too cute."

"...it's an ant, Choutarou."

"I know, Shishido-san, but I can't shoot it while it's looking at me!"

"Can you even see its eyes?"

"Well no, but I can feel them on me! I can feel the poor little thing cowering, as it awaits its death! I...I can't shoot it!"

Shishido squashed the ant under his shoe, then picked it up. "I hope this counts, because it's the only meat we've been able to find so far."

"Shishido_-san_! YOU KILLED IT!" Ohtori wailed. He snatched the ant carcass from Shishido's fingers, and ran to bury it.

Meanwhile, with tennis racket in hand, Kawamura was currently beating a beetle to death.

"TAKE THAT! AND THAT! AND THAT!"

"Careful, Kawamura-sempai! We need that!" Horio exclaimed. The racket dropped from Kawamura's hands, and he picked up the poor beetle carefully. He handed it to Fuji, who took it to Inui.

"Here is our Meat," Fuji said.

Inui turned to Team Hyoutei, who were all standing solemnly at a tiny grave, while Ohtori glared at all of them, looking rather scary.

"...good enough," Inui said. "Team Seigaku has the victory this time."

-----

"Well, Team Hyoutei, which of your team-mates would you like to be rid of next?" Inui asked.

"Ohtori. He's weak," said Atobe.

"Usu." (We all know who said that...)

"I'm voting Atobe, because he's a bastard," Shishido said. (He'd overheard Atobe's vote)

"I...I vote for myself. I got too carried away," said Ohtori.

"I want to go home, damn it!" Taki wailed.

"I am voting for Shishido. That kid still pisses me off," said Sakaki.

"Ohtori. He won't be able to survive in this harsh world much longer," said Oshitari wisely.

"Ah, I still vote Kabaji. That BO of his really reeks," said Mukahi, with a shrug.

-----

"Ohtori-kun...I happen to think you're the nicest of the lot in Hyoutei, desu. How does it feel to be kicked out, desu?"

"I guess I deserved it," Ohtori said, miserably. "I'm not cut out for this."

"Poor Ohtori-kun, desu!"

"Don't worry about me, Dan-kun. I will be strong, and cheer on my team-mates, from a padded chair at home."

"...that sounds nice, desu."

-----

"So, tonight, let's try the camp songs thing again," Kawamura said.

Oshitari opened his mouth, but several pairs of hands covered it.

"On second thought, what about ghost stories instead?" Kawamura suggested.

"I know a good one," Fuji said. He proceeded to tell a story that was gory enough to make even the least squeamish of people turn green around the gills.

"I've heard that was based on a true story, but I highly doubt it," Fuji said, when he finished his tale. "I mean...who would be crazy enough to do all of those things?"

The only sound was that of Horio, throwing up into a bush.

"Ah...does anyone...have any other stories they'd like to share?" Kawamura asked, feeling faint.

Taki burst into tears. "I want my Mommy!" he wailed. He had to be comforted by Horio, who had just finished vomiting.

"Maybe we should all just go to sleep, then," Kawamura said. No one slept very well that night, except for maybe Fuji.

-----

"Seven people have been voted off already," Inui said to the camera. "Who will be next? Find out next time!"

-----


	8. Horio and Taki grow even closer

DAY 8

"Today's challenge is a staring contest," Inui said.

"What does that have to do with surviving?" Horio asked.

Inui adjusted his glasses. "Absolutely nothing. Are there any other questions?"

Horio backed away slowly. "No."

"In that case, each team must choose a member to take part in this staring contest."

From Team Seigaku, Fuji was the natural choice. There was a slight argument amongst Team Hyoutei, however; Atobe wanted Kabaji to do it, but Shishido demanded that he be allowed to take part in the contest. After a heated battle of rock, paper, scissors, Shishido faced Fuji with his fiercest glare on.

"Go," Inui said.

Two seconds later, Shishido looked away. It was not due to Fuji's big blue eyes, either; it was his inner turmoil.

"I can't stay here now that Choutarou is gone!" he wailed.

-----

"I'm voting for Kabaji this time because I want Shishido to stay here and suffer," Mukahi said, evil grin on his face.

"I'm voting for Shishido because I don't want to see true love interrupted," said Oshitari -- he, too, had an evil grin on his face, but that was his normal expression.

"I think Shishido is a whiner, and should get out of here already," Sakaki said.

"Send me home!" Shishido exclaimed.

"Shishido has made it clear that he wants to go home," Atobe said.

"I want to go home," Taki sniffled.

Kabaji's vote was, as always, usu.

-----

"How do you feel about being voted off, Shishido-kun, desu?"

"I'm going to run all the way home and hug poor Choutarou! ...did I just say that out loud? ...I hate you all!"

-----

"I just know that Fuji is going to betray us," Horio said, in a loud whisper to Echizen. "I can see it in his eyes."

"When do you ever see his eyes?"

"You know what I mean!"

Echizen shrugged.

"We have to do something about him, Echizen, before he does something about us?"

"Madda madda da ne," Echizen said.

"Echizen! You're not helping!"

"Look behind you, Horio."

Horio turned around, and his eyes opened wide when he saw who was standing behind him.

"Well, Horio-kun. It seems that you don't like me very much," Fuji said.

Horio began to shake.

"I feel very sad when people don't like me. What can I do to prove to you that I'll never betray anyone?"

"N...nothing! I mean...I never suspected you of that in the first place! I was just testing Echizen here, to see how loyal he is!"

"Ah, I see. Did he pass the test?"

"Y...yes he did!"

"That's all right then." Fuji flashed his most brilliant smile at the pile of jelly that Horio had become. "Don't spread rumors about me anymore, Horio-kun."

Horio fainted.

-----

"I am sick to death of this place," Atobe announced that evening, as they all sat by their campfire.

"I think we all are," said Kawamura.

"One such as I should never be subjected to this kind of torture! I haven't had a real bath in days!"

"Yeah, we can all smell that," Kaido mumbled.

"What was that, you insolent dog?"

"Be careful, Atobe. Some snakes are poisonous," Oshitari warned, with an amused smirk. He, for one, was having fun on this expedition.

Taki was sniffling and sobbing in a dark corner. Horio sat with him, patting him on the back.

"There there," Horio said. "It's all right."

"Hey, stop consorting with the other team!" Mukahi yelled at Taki. Taki looked up at him, bottom lip quivering. "But he's the only one who's being nice to me..."

"Traitor!"

"Ah, arguing amongst the ranks. What fun," Inui said, appearing on a log beside Mukahi. Mukahi yelped, and threw himself into Oshitari's arms. "Save me from the weirdo, Yuushi!"

"As you wish, Gakuto."

"...I'm going to bed," Echizen announced. "You're all stupid." He went over to the pile of leaves that he used as a bed, and proceeded to ignore everyone else.

"Kids these days!" Horio exclaimed. "Why, with my two years' surviving experience, I..."

Various bits of dirt were thrown at his face. Horio took the hint and shut up.

-----

"Next time on Survivor, the hardest challenge yet, desu! Look forward to it, desu!" Dan Taichi exclaimed to the camera.


	9. A hunk a hunk of BURNING love!

DAY 9

"Sss. Inui's been awfully quiet this morning," Kaido mumbled, to no one in particular. He was getting extremely worried. "I think he's up to something."

"That could very well be," Fuji said, appearing beside the disgruntled mamushi.

"Ssss." Kaido felt very frightened. What was Inui planning for them next?

-----

Various odd-looking equipment had been set up in a clearing nearby. The contestants eyed it warily.

"What is this?" Atobe demanded.

"Your next challenge," Inui replied. "Karaoke."

Everyone blinked at him.

"I thought these were supposed to be survival games?" Horio said, in a little voice.

"If you bring that up again, I shall be forced to have you drink my latest special," Inui warned. "Never question the host."

"Yes, sir!" Horio squeaked.

"Now, as I was saying, your challenge for today is karaoke. Everyone will pick a song. Dan and I will be your judges. The team with the most points will win. Good luck."

-----

"Sss. I don't sing," Kaido mumbled. Somehow, he'd been chosen to go first for his team.

"We believe in you, Kaido-sempai!" Horio said, encouragingly.

"Sss. Somehow, that doesn't make me feel any better."

Kaido's rendition of "Mary Had a Little Lamb" went over quite well. Horio's attempt at "Wild Thing" was cut short when everyone's ears began to bleed. Fuji forced Tezuka to sing "Hakuna Matata" with him, which would have been a success, had Tezuka actually bothered to sing his lines. Echizen sang "If You're Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands", and although his voice was very nice, his grumpy face didn't suit the tune. Kawamura went last for Seigaku, and sang Elvis' "Burnin' Love."

"I'm just a hunk a hunk of BURNING LOVE!" Kawamura bellowed into the microphone, waving a tennis racket about. "A hunk a hunk of BURNING LOVE!"

The tennis racket flew out of his hands into Tezuka's face. Tezuka was Not Amused.

"Ah...gomen," Kawamura said, and walked back to his seat, head hanging in shame.

-----

Sakaki went first for Team Hyoutei, and sang something entirely too sexual for everyone's liking. They promptly put that performance out of their minds. Taki was up next, and sang "Nobody Knows the Troubles I've Seen" and he sang it with such feeling that he got a perfect score. Atobe sang a love ballad that he'd written himself (most likely dedicated to himself) with Kabaji as his back-up singer. Oshitari sang "Blue Moon" and Mukahi sang "I'm an Asshole" (rather proudly).

Inui and Dan Taichi tallied up the scores, and Hyoutei was the winner by a rather large margin, probably due to the fact that they didn't have a Horio (who had caused Seigaku's score to fall into the minus region).

-----

"I want Horio out of here. Sss."

"Kawamura," Tezuka said. His black eye was all the comment that was needed.

"Taka-san," Fuji said, looking a little dangerous. "He hurt my Tezuka."

"I'm voting for Kawamura-sempai, because he's dangerous!" Horio exclaimed.

"I'm voting for Horio, because he's annoying," Echizen said.

"Ah...I think I should vote for myself," Kawamura said, still feeling sheepish.

-----

"Kawamura-kun! Would you like to comment on the fact that you've been voted off Inui's Backayard, desu?"

"Well...I deserved it, really. I let myself get carried away." Kawamura sighed. "I really didn't mean to hit Tezuka with that racket, though..."

-----

Sakaki approached Atobe, wearing nothing but a towel.

"Atobe, I can't find my pants. Have you seen them around?"

"No," Atobe replied irritably, then averted his eyes from the disturbing sight before him.

"Ah, trying to seduce team-mates," Inui said. "Ii data."

Sakaki glared at him. "I don't like you, kid."

"Nor am I particularly fond of you," Inui stated, and he went in search of other interesting information.

-----

"...and that was when my first tooth fell out. After that, I -- Are you listening?" Horio demanded. Taki was actually fast asleep.

"...eh? Sorry," Taki said, when Horio shook him awake. "I guess I just drifted off."

"You said you wanted to hear my life story."

"That was before I knew how boring it was."

"You --"

"Don't get angry with me, Horio-kun. Please. You're my only ally here." The look in Taki's eyes was so pathetic that Horio's anger disappeared.

"Don't worry, I'm here for you," he assured the poor Taki.

-----

"Will Sakaki finally be able to get with Atobe? Will Horio and Taki fall in love? You'll have to keep watching to find out," Inui said, saluting the camera with a glass full of...something.

-----


	10. The Ultimate Cookoff

DAY 10

Inui banged two pot lids together, making a very loud clattering noise. All of the contestants jumped to attention.

"It is time for the challenge of the day," he announced. "Welcome to Survivor's first annual cook-off."

"Sss. Cooking?" Kaido couldn't believe his ears. "You're not going to be doing any of the cooking, are you, Inui-sempai?"

"It's tempting, but no."

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

"Each team will have to come up with a meal, using the ingredients they are provided," Inui continued. "There is also a special bonus with this challenge. The winning team may eat their meal."

"A real, hot, meal?" Horio looked hopeful. They were all getting sick of living off of various strange vegetables that they had to harvest from Inui's vegetable garden.

"A real, hot meal," Inui said. "Begin."

-----

"Does anyone actually know how to cook?" Horio asked the rest of Team Seigaku.

"I think you should leave it to me," Fuji said.

Team Seigaku began to envision wasabi-flavored everything. Never mind that there was no wasabi in any of the ingredients they'd been given; Fuji probably carried extra in his back pocket.

"I think buchou should do it," Kaido said. "If anyone can, it's him."

Tezuka took the frying pan that Kaido held out. "I'll do my best, everyone."

Team Seigaku cheered.

-----

Atobe coughed, and covered his delicate nose, as smoke billowed out around Team Hyoutei.

"What the hell did you do?" he demanded of Taki, who had assured everyone that he was a master chef.

"I...I think I burned it," he said, timidly.

"Maybe it's still edible," Oshitari said, helpfully. "We'll have to wait for the judges."

-----

Inui, having no taste-buds whatsoever, had appointed the task of judging the food to Dan Taichi. Seigaku's meal was plain and rather boring, but after trying to choke down the blackened bit of...something that Hyoutei had produced, Seigaku was the obvious winner this time.

-----

"Taki is useless. He should be gone," Atobe said.

"I think Taki has suffered enough," Oshitari said.

"Kabaji still smells," Mukahi said.

"I still want to go home, damn it!" Taki wailed.

"Taki whines too much," Sakaki said.

-----

"How do you feel about being voted off, desu?"

"Wonderful! Thank goodness I can't cook, or I might have had to stay here longer! I don't know why they dragged me here in the first place...I will miss Horio, though."

"...Horio, desu?"

"We've become very good friends. I hope we can keep in touch after this."

"...desu."

-----

"Ah, I'm so full for once," Horio said, patting his stomach. "Tezuka-buchou, where did you learn how to cook?"

"Tezuka is very talented in many areas," Fuji said, with a mysterious look in his closed eyes.

"Fuji," Tezuka said warningly.

"Yes, Tezuka?"

"...never mind."

"Sss. Morons," Kaido muttered. Echizen agreed.

-----

"Until next time," Inui said, and the ending theme played once again.


	11. First Aid and Marriage Proposals

A/N: I'm updating this fast because the entire thing is already written out. Heh. It's about seventeen chapters (!!). Sorry if the updates are too fast. I hope that I can keep your interest until the end...I know it's long, but I wanted to make each chapter one day...I had to combine day 16 and day 17 actually, because they were both so short...anyway, on with Day 11!  
  
DAY 11

On the beginning of day eleven, the teams merged. It was every man for himself after that point.

"Good luck to you all," Inui said, grinning.

"I'm scared," Horio whimpered.

"Sss. Just shut up already," Kaido growled. He would never admit that he was scared, himself.

-----

"Atobe. I have a proposition," Sakaki said, with an interesting-looking smile on his face.

Atobe narrowed his eyes. "What would that be?"

Sakaki proceeded to make improper suggestions, and followed them up by popping The Question. "Will you marry me?"

Atobe fainted.

"I'll take that as a yes," Sakaki said, happily.

"That was a NO, you pervert!" Atobe exclaimed, springing to his feet. "Kabaji! Protect me!"

"Usu."

Sakaki cursed his luck, and went off to do some more plotting.

-----

"Today, you're all going to practice first aid," Inui said. "It's not a challenge as such, but I'm interested to see who can succeed in saving the lives of others."

First up was Sakaki. He demonstrated very well what he would do, had Atobe been drowning.

Atobe promptly decked him, then ordered Kabaji to bandage his poor, injured hand. Kabaji usu-ed, and complied with the request.

"Well, it looks like Kabaji's the winner," Inui commented.

Everyone else agreed.

-----

"Now that it's everyone for themselves, all of you vote," Inui said. "So, who will it be?"

"I want _that bastard_ out of here," Atobe growled. "_Now._"

"My vote is the same as Atobe's," Kabaji said. With real words. (On Atobe's orders, of course.)

"I'm going to vote for Sakaki, since he's rather disturbing, sss," Kaido said.

"I vote for Sakaki because he's an old pervert," Fuji said..

"I'm voting for the damn coach, because I'm tired of seeing him chase Atobe," Mukahi said.

"I'm voting for Fuji, because I think he was looking at my Gakuto," Oshitari said.

"Sakaki," Tezuka said. He secretly thought that Sakaki might move in on him after being rejected by Atobe.

"I...I'm going to have to vote for Echizen," Horio said. "He tried to kill me this morning."

"I'm voting for Horio, because I saw him washing his armpits again this morning," Echizen said

-----

"How do you feel about being voted off, Sakaki-san, desu?"

"Well, disappointed, really. With my refined charm, I should have lasted a lot longer. It was only mouth to mouth. I don't know what Atobe was so upset about."

"I...I don't feel so good, desu."

-----

"Hey, Echizen. Why don't we band together, and go behind everyone's backs?" Horio suggested. "Whichever of us wins can split the million."

Echizen gave Horio a _look_. "Yadda."

"But --"

Echizen had already walked away.

"Ah, Horio-kun. Are you being a bad boy again?" Fuji asked.

Horio jumped half a mile. "Uh...no, of course not, Fuji-sempai!"

"Good. Bad boys have to be punished, you know. Keep that in mind."

"Yes, Fuji-sempai!" Horio ran away, and found somewhere relatively safe to hide for a while.

-----

"Now that Sakaki the ruffled is gone, who is going to hit on Atobe? Ii data. And so ends another episode of Survivor: Inui's Backyard. Good night."


	12. Armpits

DAY 12

"The winner of this obstacle race will receive a hot bath," Inui said.

Atobe had fire in his eyes. "A hot bath? A hot _bath_?"

"Yes. That's what I said. Now, will you all line up a the starting point."

"I am going to win this race," Atobe announced.

"Let's wait and see," said Fuji.

Inui fired his water pistol (into Dan Taichi's face, purely by accident) and the contestants were off!

Atobe fell behind Fuji for a stretch, but ordered Kabaji to clear the way for him. He came out the victor, and enjoyed a three-hour long bath.

"Kabaji, scrub my back for me."

"Usu."

-----

"Zippity doo da! Zippity...oh, Echizen! What are you doing?" Horio stopped to look at Echizen, who was digging a hole in the ground for no apparent reason.

"I'm going to bury myself," Echizen replied, "So I won't have to listen to your singing anymore."

The offended Horio ran off crying. Echizen put the shovel away, and breathed a sigh of relief. He hoped that the remaining days of Survivor would pass fairly quickly, and that Horio would be gone very soon.

He intended to win, of course. He would not settle for anything less.

-----

"Ah, I love being clean." Atobe sighed happily, while Kabaji fanned him with a large leaf.

Horio ran by, still crying. He tripped, slid a few feet in the mud, and splattered it all over Atobe.

"Kabaji. Kill that child."

"Usu."

Instead of crying, this time Horio ran away screaming.

-----

"I'm voting for Fuji, because he almost cheated me out of my bath," Atobe said.

"Sss. I'm voting for Horio."

"I'm voting for Kabaji-kun, because I think Atobe will suffer without him," Fuji said, his eyes open and blazing.

"I'm voting for Kabaji because he body-checked me," said Mukahi, who had a black eye.

"I'm voting for Kabaji because he body-checked my Gakuto," said Oshitari, looking slightly pissed off.

"Kabaji," said Tezuka.

"I'm voting for Kabaji because I think he'd make a nice president," said Horio. (He had also been body-checked, and was suffering from a concussion.)

"Usu," said Kabaji.

------

"How do you feel, Kabaji-kun, desu?"

"Usu."

"...I was expecting that, desu."

-----

Kaido was on his way to the stream to bathe, when he heard a whispered conversation taking place. Thinking that it might be someone plotting against the rest of the team, he crept closer, and listened it.

"...but that _tickles_." That voice could only belong to Mukahi.

"It wouldn't tickle if you'd hold still." And that was...Oshitari.

"Damn it, Yuushi, I hate it when you make me wait..."

Kaido turned very white, plugged his ears, and ran all the way to the stream, where he jumped in, clothes and all.

-----

"We're down to eight contestants. Who will be the Survivor? Who will get a million dollars? Ii data."

"I wish I could get a million, desu. I think I deserve it, after hanging around here so long, desu."

The producers ignored Dan Taichi's sorrow, and paid him a measly wage. If Dan didn't need the money, he would have quit right then and there.

-----


	13. Dodgeball and Stink Bombs

DAY 13

"Dodgeball."

That one word struck fear into the hearts of all of mankind. Or at least, the bit of it that was assembled in Inui's backyard.

"...we have to play dodgeball? Sss. I hate dodgeball," Kaido grumbled.

"Dodgeball is for kids!" Horio exclaimed.

"Ah, I hate to point this out to you, but everyone here is, in fact, a child," Inui said. No one could argue with that. "So, all of you...begin."

Horio somehow found himself in the center of things, balls flying at him from all directions.

"Someone, save me, please!" he wailed. "In my two years of surviving experience, I never suffered anything like this!"

In another corner, Tezuka was being stealthy (and stoic, of course), and trying to escape from the game, which he had never particularly liked. He did not see Atobe, smirking, follow him.

Tezuka grunted as the ball connected with his shoulder. Atobe looked very pleased with himself. Tezuka had to be rushed to a hospital in Germany, and could no longer participate in the show.

Fuji held Tezuka's hand until they took the stretcher away.

"Do your best, everyone. Don't be careless." were the last words he said, before being flown away.

Fuji turned back to the game with wide-open eyes.

When the dodgeball game was over, only Fuji was left standing. A sudden wind ruffled his hair a little, and a big scary bird landed on his arm. He laughed.

-----

"I'm voting for Fuji-sempai, because he scares me," Horio said.

"I'm voting for Fuji, because he scares me," Mukahi said.

"I'm voting for Fuji, because he scares Gakuto," Oshitari said.

"I'm voting for Fuji-sempai, ssss. He's scary. Sss," Kaido said.

"I'm voting for Fuji-sempai, because he scares me," Echizen said.

"I'm voting for Fuji, because I find him annoying," Atobe said.

"I'm voting for Atobe, because he hurt my Tezuka," Fuji said.

-----

"How does it feel to be voted off of the Backyard, desu?" Dan asked Fuji.

"Saa. It's been fun. I do have one thing I'd like to say, though."

"Yes, desu?"

"I'll get you for this one day, Atobe Keigo, if it's the last thing I do."

The cameraman almost dropped the camera after doing a close-up of his scary blue eyes.

"Ah...thank you for your comment, desu. I think we should go to commercial now, desu."

-----

The dwindling group of contestants gathered once more around the campfire, roasting marshmallows that had been given to them as a special treat, seeing as how they'd survived for thirteen days already.

"Isn't thirteen kind of unlucky?" Horio asked.

"Ssss. Shut up," Kaido growled.

"Well, with my two years of...of..." To everyone's surprise, Horio began to cry. "Damn it all! I don't _have_ two years of surviving experience! I spent the last two years making stink bombs in my basement, only to find out that they're all defective!"

"Sss. Shut up," Kaido growled again. He didn't like it when people cried, even Horio.

...especially Horio, who had an annoying whiny voice.

"Ah, cheer up, Horio-kun," Oshitari said, with a kind (or was it evil?) smile. "I'll just sing some songs to cheer us all up."

Horio ran from the campfire, sobbing and shrieking.

"Ah, I seem to have scared him. I'm not sure why."

"You crack me up, Yuushi."

"Thank you, Gakuto."

-----

"Next time, on Survivor, we enter the realms of insanity," Inui said, glasses sparkling. "Oh wait, we've already been there. Just tune in next time. That is all."


	14. Disco Kaido Saves The Day

DAY 14

"I...I don't know if I have the strength to go on," Horio confessed to the first person who would listen. That person happened to be a bush. "I feel so alone, and so frightened."

The bush sympathized.

-----

"Ne, Yuushi. What happens when one of us gets voted off?" Mukahi asked.

"Then the other will have to win, and we'll split the money, naturally."

"Oh. Yeah. You always make things seem so simple."

"I live to please."

"Yeah, you really do!" Mukahi exclaimed, cheerfully. Then he giggled.

Kaido cursed. He was really going to have to stop walking by at times like these.

-----

"Today's challenge is --" Inui ignored the various groans "--disco dancing."

Six faces gawked at him.

"Ore-sama does not disco dance," Atobe announced, regally. He did not want to mention that he'd tried it once, white suit and sequins and all. He'd been rather drunk at the time. (Never mind that he wasn't old enough to drink.)

"Well, you will soon!" Inui said cheerfully.

-----

Everyone had been given a disco outfit of varying colors, much sequins, and of a highly tight-fitting nature.

They all drew straws, and Kaido was up first. He somehow managed to get onto the stage, though his pants were so tight that he could hardly walk. He looked out at the other contestants; Echizen, who looked as miserable as he felt in green and purple sequins; Oshitari and Mukahi, in pink and purple (they did not look miserable at all, but he didn't want to think about it, because that would lead to thoughts about whether or not they practiced dressing up on a regular basis...), Atobe, who was in rainbow sequins with gold glitter covering it; and Horio, who was...who was...

Kaido averted his eyes from the sight, and looked down at his own blue sequined bell-bottoms.

"I'm not going to do this," he hissed, crossing his arms over his chest.

"You have to, or you'll be disqualified, and forced to clean the toilets," Inui said.

"I don't care. Sss."

"And you'll have to drink my latest juice."

"Oh, stuff your damn juice." Kaido began trashing the stage. When he was finished, he felt quite pleased with himself, until Inui handed him a glass of a suspiciously clear liquid.

"Drink up," Inui said.

Kaido did so. Then he fainted.

-----

"I'm voting for Kaido-sempai, because he trashed the stage, and Inui made us all drink Inui Juice," Echizen said, irritably.

"I'm voting for Kaido, because he looked really bad in those pants," Atobe said.

"Sss. I'm voting for Oshitari, because I want those two broken up," Kaido said, shuddering.

"I'm voting for Kaido-sempai, because he always makes scary faces at me," Horio said, "And he was responsible for me having to drink Inui Juice today!"

"I'm voting for Kaido, because I feel like it," Mukahi said.

"I'm voting for Kaido, because he keeps eavesdropping on Gakuto and I," Oshitari said.

-----

"Kaido-kun, how do you feel about being voted off, desu?"

"Sss. I don't care. It was worth it, ssss. I saved us all," Kaido said.

"What did the latest Inui Juice taste like, desu?"

Kaido shuddered. "Sss. I don't want to talk about it. Ever."

-----

"Echizen, do you mind sharing your leaf-bed with me? Mine blew away," Horio said, rather pathetically.

Echizen glared up at Horio. "Yadda."'

"But...Echizen..."

"Whoa, shit! Is Horio seducing the brat? My eyes! My eyes!" Mukahi ran screaming from the sight before him. It took Oshitari a long time to calm him down.

Meanwhile, Horio had to sleep on a pile of twigs.

-----

"Tune in next time, for some more Survivor! And while you're at it, why not buy some of my Inui Juice? In a store near you!"


	15. Inui's Pasty White Chest

DAY 15

"It's a beautiful sunny day out," Inui said. He had shed the flowered shirt, and was clad only in his Hawaiian shorts. Everyone tried to avert their eyes from his pasty white chest. "Since it's such a lovely day, your challenge will be..."

"Gods above, not that! Anything but that!" Horio screamed.

"I haven't said what your challenge is, yet."

"I know, but I have a bad feeling about it already. With my two years of surviving experience --"

"You already told us that you don't _have_ any surviving experience, so shut your trap before I personally pound your ugly face in!" Atobe snapped. His temper was quite bad, since he'd gone for two weeks without his daily pedicure.

"...sunbathing."

The remaining five contestants turned to Inui and blinked. "What?"

"Your challenge today is sunbathing."

"...that's so incredibly _easy_," Atobe said. "I do that every _day_."

"Well then, you'd better get to it."

Shortly thereafter, four people were in their swimming shorts, enjoying the rays of the sun. The fifth joined them a little later, and...

"Oh my GOD, is Mukahi NAKED?" Horio screeched, covering his eyes. Echizen looked a little green around the gills.

"Madda madda...ugh."

"You're disgusting," Atobe said.

"Yeah, and you smell."

"This is a _family_ program, desu!" Dan Taichi screeched. He appeared on the scene, running back and forth and waving his arms about. "We can't have naked men on live TV, desu! Aaaah, desu! DESU!"

"I think you might want to cover up, Gakuto, before you get a rather interesting sunburn," Oshitari suggested.

"You're ruining the fun, Yuushi."

"Ah, sorry."

-----

"I'm voting for Mukahi, because...he showed me something I never wanted to see," Horio said, shuddering.

"I'm voting for Mukahi, because he's still madda madda da ne." That was the best excuse Echizen could come up with, without admitting his real problem: the sight of naked Mukahi would haunt his dreams for months, right along with Horio and his armpit-washing escapades.

"I'm voting for Mukahi, because he's disgusting," said Atobe.

"I'm voting for Atobe, because he looked at my Gakuto for too long."

"I'm voting for Atobe, because he doesn't appreciate my beauty," said Mukahi.

-----

"Mukahi, how do you feel about the decision, desu?" Dan Taichi asked.

"I think they're all morons. Except for Yuushi. I mean, they acted as if they'd never seen a naked man before! ...except for Yuushi. He enjoyed it."

"...desu."

"I just like being naked is all. There's so much more freedom, and it saves time when --"

AAAAH! STOP, DESU!"

-----

Oshitari sighed. "Things are so boring without Gakuto around."

"Please, don't go into details," Atobe said.

"I wasn't about to."

"This is an odd group we have left," Oshitari commented. "Echizen, Horio, Atobe, and myself."

"Very odd, indeed," Atobe said, giving Horio a _look._ Horio cowered.

"Madda madda da ne," said Echizen. It almost looked as though he was coming to Horio's rescue.

"Echizen...I didn't know you cared," Horio sniffled.

"I don't."

"...oh."

-----

"We're coming closer to discovering the ultimate survivor! Tune in next time!" Inui still wasn't wearing a shirt, so the cameraman focused on his Hawaiian shorts, which was almost as bad as the sight of that pasty white chest.


	16. Finger Puppets and Romance Novels

A/N: I decided to combine day sixteen and day seventeen, since not a lot will happen in either of those days. Day eighteen is the grand finale, so as Inui says, please stay tuned! The two finalists will be revealed at the end of Day 17! Day 18 will have everyone casting their vote for the ultimate winner... Thanks for sticking with the insanity for this long.

DAY 16

"Only for of you remain. Today, your challenge is to make a finger puppet," Inui said. He passed around paper, crayons, glue sticks, and safety scissors.

"Ore-sama did not even do this kind of activity in preschool," Atobe said, eyes narrowing into slits.

"Come now, Atobe, it's not so bad," Oshitari said. He was already hard at work. "At least you don't have to subject yourself to cleaning toilets, or something of the sort."

Atobe thought that one over, and agreed that finger puppets were definitely preferable to toilet cleaning, so he got to work.

----

Atobe's finger puppet was, quite predictably, a mini-Kabaji.

"Usu," it said.

"Very good," Inui said, and he moved on to Oshitari, who had, of course, a mini-Mukahi. A mini naked Mukahi.

"Um...very nice," Inui said, and he moved very quickly to Horio, whose finger puppet looked more like a blob of paper and glue than anything resembling a person.

"Interesting."

Echizen's finger puppet was a perfectly detailed Tezuka.

"Run laps," it said.

"Good work," Inui said. "I like this one the best." He confiscated the finger puppet, and put it in his pocket. "Now, the losers must clean the outhouses."

"..." Atobe gave Oshitari a death glare, then he gave Echizen an even scarier death glare. Then, just for the hell of it, he turned his most evil death glare on Horio, who fainted dead away.

-----

After the toilets were cleaned, the for contestants were called to vote.

"Echizen," Atobe said. "The brat forced me to clean toilets."

"Echizen," Oshitari said. "His finger puppet was better than mine."

"Atobe," Horio said, shaking. "He scares the crap out of me."

"Horio," Echizen said. "He's annoying."

-----

"Echizen-kun! How does it feel to be voted off Inui's Backyard, desu?"

Echizen shrugged, pulled the baseball cap over his eyes, and did not say madda madda da ne. He told the truth. "At least I won't have to see Horio wash his armpits anymore."

"...ew, desu."

-----

DAY 17

"There will not be a challenge today," Inui said. "It seems pointless with only three contestants. I will leave you up to your own devices, and you'll vote at the end of the day."

Oshitari took this opportunity to work on the novel he had been writing. Something wasn't quite right, though. He decided to share it with his fellow contestants as they ate dinner around the campfire, to ask their opinions.

After hearing some of the story, Horio's face was purple, and Atobe looked thoroughly disgusted.

"What do you think?" Oshitari asked. "Does it need more smut?"

Horio made an interesting squawking noise, then he keeled over.

"I think it needs to be burned," Atobe said. "Even the low-life fools that aren't even good enough to lick the bottom of my shoe are too good for that garbage."

"Ah, so that means it's perfect." Oshtiari kissed his manuscript.

-----

"Oshitari. He...he's..." Horio shuddered, and could not continue.

"Yuushi, because I'm tired of his attitude," Atobe said, inspecting his nails. One was broken. He cursed.

"Horio. He insulted my masterpiece," Oshitari said.

-----

"Oshitari...how does it feel to be going home, desu?"

"Well...I regret that I failed to win, and honor the pact that Gakuto and I made, but it will be nice to see him again. I wish the last two contestants luck."

-----

"Who will be the winner of the million? Find out next time, on Survivor: Inui's backyard!" Inui exclaimed.


	17. The Grand Finale

DAY 18

Atobe Keigo was thoroughly disgusted.

"Why is it that _you_ are the other finalist?" he asked a shaking Horio.

"I...I really don't know," Horio replied nervously. "Maybe it's my two years of surviving experience?"

"I knew I would get this far, but I expected that I would be with Tezuka, or perhaps Yuushi...but not _you._"

Horio burst into tears. "I'm sorry!"

"Whatever. If you win, you'll be sorry."

-----

"Atobe and Horio. Your final challenge is to give a speech that will make the other former contestants want to vote for you, here at the end," Inui said. "Good luck."

Atobe stood, and gave his speech first. "One day, I will be God, and those of you who vote for me will be justly rewarded. Thank you."

Horio's knees were wobbling as he took the stage. "Um...everyone...vote for Atobe. I don't want to die."

"All of the former contestants will see the video of your speeches, and come to their decision. The two of you must wait until then," Inui said.

-----

Oshitari and Mukahi were lounging in bathrobes in some sort of hotel, of rather questionable nature.

"Horio's an annoying little brat, but Atobe's too cocky. I say give the million to the kid," Mukahi said.

"I agree with Gakuto."

"That's because you're my bitch!"

"Naturally."

------

"Ssss. Give the money to Horio."

-----

"Nya! Horio's from Seigaku, so he should get all the money!" Eiji exclaimed, bouncing up and down.

"I have to agree with Eiji," Oishi said, trying to calm Eiji down. "Team spirit, and all that. Although I still hate to vote, anyway! It seems so unfair, and all that..."

-----

"I want Atobe to win the money," Sakaki said. "Then maybe he'll be willing to reconsider my proposal."

-----

"I want Horio to win," Taki said. He was sucking on a lollipop. "He was the only one who was nice to me."

-----

"Horio made it that far?" Ryuzaki-sensei asked in disbelief. "Give _him_ the million, then."

-----

"Atobe-san is my buchou," Ohtori said. "I think I should vote for him to win..."

"Ah, give it up, Choutarou. Atobe's a bastard, give Horio the money."

"But Shishido-san..."

Shishido sighed. "Okay, okay. Let Atobe win, then, but his head's going get even more swelled than it is already, if that's even possible."

-----

"Usu," said Kabaji.

-----

"Damn it, I hate Atobe's freaking guts!" Hiyoshi exclaimed. "I'm going to get him one of these days! I'm going to be the leader! GEKOKUJYOU! So yeah, give the money to the bratty kid."

-----

"Uwaaah? It's the end already?" Jiroh asked, sleepily. "I missed the rest...um...I guess Atobe should win."

-----

"Anou...I guess Horio should win," Kawamura said, looking as awkward as usual. "He worked pretty hard, I think."

-----

"I don't like Atobe," Momo said, quite frankly, "But I do like Horio, even if he is an annoying little twerp. Give him the cash. Unless the baka mamushi voted Horio...if he did, then I'm going for Atobe."

-----

"Che. They're both equally annoying. I don't really care. I guess I'll just say Horio," said Echizen, annoyed that he was being bothered for something so trivial.

-----

Fuji held Tezuka's hand, as Tezuka lay in a hospital bed, wearing a body cast.

"Horio-kun is indeed an annoying and bad little boy, but Atobe hurt my Tezuka. That can never be forgiven," Fuji said.

"Umph," said Tezuka.

"You see, Tezuka agrees with me. We're both voting that Horio wins the million dollars."

-----

"The final scores are in," said Inui, to the nervous Horio and confident Atobe.

Votes for Horio: 12

Votes for Atobe: 5

Votes for Usu: 1

Atobe gaped at Inui in complete and utter shock. "Are you trying to tell us that Horio actually _won_?"

"It would appear that way, yes."

"I knew those two years of stink bomb experience would come in handy!" Horio exclaimed. "A million dollars, wow!"

Atobe looked very scary for a moment, as he advanced on Horio.

"Ah! Please don't kill me!"

The fire went out of Atobe's eyes. "No, you're not even worth my time. I'm already rich, anyway. I'm going home for a bath," Atobe said. It was the most insulting day of his life, and if anyone ever talked to him about it, he would kill them; but for now, all he really wanted was to be clean.

"Congratulations, Horio," Inui said. "After we tax your winnings, you'll get to walk home with five dollars!"

"...five dollars?"

"Enjoy!"

-----

"Atobe-san...how does it feel to be the loser, desu?"

"Shut up before I have you killed."

"Sorry, desu. Horio-kun, how does it feel to be the winner, desu?"

"Well, a lot less happy that I thought," Horio said, glumly, as he stared at his five dollar bill.

"That concludes Survivor: Inui's Backyard, desu," said the very weary Dan Taichi. "I hope you've all enjoyed it, desu. I certainly haven't, but no one cares about me, desu. I'm going home now, desu."

-----

A/N: Thanks to all of you who read and reviewed, or read and didn't review, or skimmed, or started to read and went "Huh?" although those people are probably not reading this right now, and...yes.  
I apologize to those of you who wish to do me bodily harm for my choice of winner, and I congratulate the couple of you who guessed long ago that Horio would walk away with the million -- or, in this case, the five.


End file.
